meeting and letting go

i just realized that i talk too much about my lovesickness in this blog. oh well! who cares anyway? =P

last sembreak, the loneliness of this life somehow overwhelmed me. i mean, it really is so lonely out here. when all you want is comfort, you get a lecture. when all you want is friendship, you get indifference. it has been so tempting to break the rules and go beyond the bounds just so i can get a taste of that 'happiness' that some people who really don't care about 'religion' and 'faith' and 'belief' seem to experience.

then i met this former schoolmate who had wanted to become a priest when we were still in high school. we met in our high school reunion and somehow we seemed to have formed a connection. i mean, we understood each other's language and began to form our own. we both scowled at the people at the reunion who looked like they were dressed up for a party when there actually was none. we both found it ironic that the theme of the 'celebration' was the school's "transformative education" when the people somehow got worse after high school. we never ran out of things to talk and laugh about.

the reunion was the usual drab 'program-style celebration' we had in high school, organized by the pious sisters and teachers. the big surprise was the 'gay federation.' the gays were all dressed up in seductive tube tops and mini-skirts. i even mistook one for a real girl who was 'just big.' back in high school, the pious sisters and teachers would have sent those gays out. but of course, they didn't. there was this 'prayer service' (part of the program) in which we had to light these pencil-thin white candles and face the north, south, east and west. and each time we faced some direction, it was a symbol of something like "our continuing faithfulness to the Lord and our growth as we venture into our own destinies" yadida-yadida. of course, each student there snickered like a hyena at each statement of "we face the north as a symbol of yadida-yadida..." back in high school, our principal would have flared up when this happened. she would get mad at the slightest squeak. but at that moment, not a word escaped her lips. after all, they needed this reunion to (hehe...) raise funds.

so anyway, i became an errand girl for the teachers once again. and i was tired afterwards that i had to sit down on a bench (that wasn't there yet when i was still in high school) under a tree. actually, the guy who wanted to become a priest made me sit down. and he sat beside me. and that's when we began to talk. the conversation went like this:

him: kumusta na?

me: okay lang naman... pagod... ikaw?

him: ayos lang! takbo ka kasi nang takbo. magpahinga ka naman.

me: oo nga eh... hehe! kumusta ang uste?

him: nasa adamson na ako eh.

me: ha? bakit?

him: kasi may mga units akong hindi naipasa (he goes on to explain the complicated process)... eh, ikaw?

me: ako? nakakapagod ang UP. gusto ko nga sanang magpahinga eh kaso itong reunion kasi... hindi ako actually pupunta dito kaso gusto kong tulungan si Rachel (student organizer) sa pag-aayos nitong reunion. kinakawawa kasi siya ng mga teachers eh.

him: oo nga! lagi siyang nauutusan...

etc. etc. etc.

what surprised me about this conversation was how easily we got to talk. there was not much inhibition. there are only a few people in this world that i can talk to this way. and it's surprising that he's one of them. at that moment, i felt my loneliness flutter and go by and evaporate. i felt happy being with him. to use the words of Gabe in "Little Manhattan," i've never felt so alive!

but about ten o'clock in the evening, my brother who was also in the reunion came to tell me that our 'sundo' was already waiting outside the gate. the guy who wanted to become a priest asked me to stay for a while please please please... i thought for a moment before standing up and saying good-bye, i shall see you later.

what he didn't know was that i had wanted to stay. stay as long as i could stay awake and talk. i had wanted to talk some more. dig deeper into details. know what's the reason why i was so happy with this guy. i had wanted to sit there beside him for like forever.

but i had to go home. a few days later, i also had to refuse his offer that we went back to Manila together. it's hard doing these things. it's like letting go of happiness and choosing something else... or it's more like giving up your happiness but you really don't know why but somehow you know you have to... it's really complicated.

still, i hope i had managed to tell him by my actions that i enjoyed talking with him and that if i had no other alternative, i would have chosen to stay.



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